Confessions of a Facebook Stalker

Hello. My name is Sean and I am a Facebook Stalker. I will know every possible detail of your life (whether its fact or my assumptions based on your incriminating pictures that should have never been tagged) and judge you. I will decide if you are dateable, if I've fallen for you, if you're getting laid or if there's any way we could ever be friends or girlfriends. I read your Education and Work information and decide if I'm going to continue clicking through. I take note of our mutual friends, your Interests and then move onto reading your wall postings, status updates and other recent activity on your News Feed. I read between the lines of your About Me trying to piece together what kind of person you are. I am a Facebook stalker. I "friended" a cute girl today. She accepted. I probably won't speak to her in public and we will probably exchange an awkward glance at the Gay Watering Hole like we know each other but we're not sure from where. I'm hoping she will walk up and ask to buy me a drink or we can have a cute, flirtatious interaction. Maybe I can get laid. But let's be honest, none of the above will occur because I have no basis for knowing her other than a friend request on Facebook. But if you're so inclined, come over. I will smile back. And my vagina might step down from the Black Panther riot its starting. -S